but this commercial for google chrome just about broke me this morning:
when my dad first died in 2006, right before father's day, i could never watch a father's day commercial. i avoided the fathers day card aisle, i entirely avoided men's sections of stores, i cut the date out of my life. and except for helping the kids make something for their father, the day no longer existed to me as a holiday.
my mom's birthday was about 2 weeks before mothers day, and i remember complaining to daddy when i was about 6 that it was unfair she got two sets of presents so close together (then again, so did my dad - his birthday was 12/27, yet i never complained about that). and as i got older and my mom and i drifted further apart, it WAS difficult coming up with two different presents for each day. eventually, it came down to e-cards and emailed photos. part of it was knowing she was a hoarder and didn't need any more STUFF and part of it was also knowing she was a hoarder, and had everything she could possibly really want anyway. bitchy of me, but realistic.
some of my friends, some whom i consider family, have gotten on me about saying i'm an orphan now. technically, i am. both my birth parents are dead. i have a step mom, but she's not my blood relative. and i'm not close to any of my blood family. if i'm to be honest about things, i'm not really close to many people, because i'm terrible at staying in touch. i don't know why, i just am. of the people i think of as my BEST friends, some of them i haven't really talked to in months. well, i've talked to them since mummy died, but prior to that it had been ages.
it's sort of funny because mummy had been a hermit, and in his own way, daddy was too. i'm definitely more social than they were, and i want to be even more social than i am, but at the same time i find it emotionally exhausting.
i guess the summary of this whole post is, i'm alone in the world now. it's a very surreal feeling. yeah, i have the kids, and yeah, i have the rest of my step family, and they've been around more than half my life, but i've always felt like the outsider with them, even when i was anything but. i'm not writing all this out of pity for myself, but just in description of how i feel. it's all very disappointing, and ... not belittling, but it makes me feel very small, and inconsequential. of all the people in the world, i have no direct blood connection to any of them.
it's frightening to not even be 40, be an only child, and have lost both parents. everything happens for a reason, but i'm struggling with what the reason might be behind these shenanigans.
also, as you may remember, i SHOULD have a dumpster coming today. if it does not come yet again today, i might just flip my shit and throw trash outside onto the porch because i'm tired of looking at it in my house. and also? i'm totally resisting going back into what was my mom's room to continue throwing stuff away. and i really need to get on it becuse so much of the trash is papers, and i cn't just heave papers out a window, they'll flutter down everywhere. i'll be making it rain tax laws from 2006. i don't know why i feel so uncomfortable in her room. i need to start thinking of it as my room. but i also need to grab the box of trash bags, and my laptop and my drink and go up there, blast some music, and fill up some trash bags. because honestly, i don't have time to procrastinate.
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